the fall

thank you my friends for the concern. Grandma had not been discharged. She had a fall on Sunday afternoon and was admitted into the hospital. Her condition is different everyday so I have no idea what to answer whenever people asked about it. Almost every morning Im awakened by calls from relatives and neighbours asking how is she doing. I did not witness the fall but I cried when I saw how helpless and devastated she looked before the ambulance came. It doesnt help that old folks are easily pessimistic and the morale gets low whenever they feel the pain. I had to fight back the tears whenever she said silly things and my mum thinks im afraid.

Im not the eldest grandchildren but being the only grandchild who see her 365x more than the others because we live under the same roof, I feel uneasy if I don't visit her in the hospital for a day. All of a sudden it seemed to be fated that I found no job this holiday for my time is devoted to going to and fro the hospital and spending hours there everyday. So friends, Im sorry if I have to put our plans on hold, or even cancel it because Im not too sure when will be a good time to play. Not that Im very needed in the hospital but it doesnt feel right to be partying when I know there is someone missing in the house and that my parents are busy with the hospital visits and their work. I'd appreciate your understanding.

I don't know how long is this going to last. Grandma can no longer walk. Im not sure if she is ever coming back to this house. There are plans for hospice but we don't even know if she is ever going to leave the hospital. We are waiting for the doctor's instructions.

Perhaps i shd seek comfort in the new bond I feel towards this huge family tree. And I mean, Huge. When Grandma is expecting her youngest son, her eldest daughter is expecting her first daughter at the same time. Get the picture?

Seeing my uncles and aunties everyday makes me know much more about them. They don't treat me like a kid but also included me when they discussed about Grandma. I also chatted with a cousin and heard many stories about the family in the past. What made me feel really like a family was when everyone, the young and the old, spoke in perfect teochew. I just had to use the dialect when I see them if not I would feel out of place, especially when Im the youngest around most of the time.

Surprisingly I don't feel bored waiting in the hospital although out of the 6~8 hrs there I only get to see Grandma for less than 10min. I guess reality is always different from what I imagined things would be.