Understanding Myself

Im offended.
Im disappointed.
Im put down.
Im despised.
Im upset.

I dunno how to begin. I was so pissed that I almost cried. I had to bottle up that agony. I couldnt explain myself. I don't know how to make you understand. I am disturbed by your assumptions and comparisons due to your ignorance. I've decided to keep my distance from now on. I had enough.

We are at a new chapter of our lives. At 21, new exposures, experiences and encounters either spur us on or put us down. We all start to think deeper into every issue. We became analytical and critical when we look at things. People changed unknowingly, for the better and the worse.

I know it wasnt intentional, perhaps it even meant well, but I felt so falsely accused. It wasnt even misunderstood. Its falsely accused. Its not being understood and appreciated. I am very sick and tired of being the clown being taken for granted being a fool being degraded being put down being looked down. All because you don't know me well.

Or perhaps, I didnt bring my true self to you.

I hate to do this but I am beginning to filter my friends. Who is more worthy of the time and exactly who actually understand or be understood.

***

I realised I present different sides of myself to different groups of friends. I suspect multi-personalities in me but I know Im psychologically sound. Everyone has multi-personalities.

I tried very hard to think of a friend who knows me that well. One who had seen every side of me. One who knows every side of me. I couldnt think of any.

School mates know the best about my career vision, my future as an architecture student. They know the best about how I want to perceive this big idea of designing, how I reject the idea of building only architecture. I can talk to no one but them and no one but them will understand what I mean, as always. For that, I am thankful, for being understood, for being encouraged. For that I appear as a Yut that is not the Yut other friends see.

Girlfriends understand my social habits. We see ourselves grow, we see each other grow. We been through the craziest times and stood by the darkest hours. I call them Life Pals for they are too precious to lose in life. This became another Yut that is not the Yut in school.

Some friends know my working habits the best. I am surprised to see such understanding from my seniors, whom I hardly meet up within a year. They actually understood an aspect of me much better than any other friends. Yut is redefined.

The previous relationship had changed me to a certain extent. I couldnt list down the changes to anyone because they are intangible. It is through self-reflection and after many many many talking to myself that I found out how I've changed. To myself, this is the real yut.

I guess its only when the different groups of friends come together and bother to discuss about me, then they have a better idea of who is yut.

And that will possibly be at my funeral.




I hardly get so worked up. I am very upset tonight.